Combobulate

2004-02-27T14:54:00.000Z

November 21st ----------------------------work getting busy-----------------------moved in with Chris-----------------------worked all through christmas and new years-------------------------- big project which I have been working on for the past year and a half completed--------------------got toads-----------------nothing to do at work now------------------------toads raping each other constantly------------------went to Amsterdam-------------------remember the whole trip thanks to drug free policy at work-----------all my colleagues leaving today to other projects---------------February 27th.

Ok, so if you would please refer to the time-line above, you can get an idea of what's been going on during the period that I have been a slack ass lazy bastard and not updating my blog. Not that anyone reads this damn thing anyways... sniff sniff... wipe away the tear.

I am going to make an attempt to keep it going again. Lots to tell, but little desire to do it right now as I am sick and its Friday and all I can think of is going home. Chris and I spent last weekend in Amsterdam and had a really good time. Its not exactly the best time of year to go as it was so cold the prostitutes were all wearing parkas and refusing to use their stainless steel sex toys... but still an overall enjoyable experience. While we were going through the baggage x-ray thingy on our way back to London, the man in front of us was asked to open his bag on account that the security guy spotted what appeared to be a pair of scissors. The man said 'yeah, no probs, but I don't have anything in there'. So the security guy searches and pulls out a little pair of nail scissors... like really small and pathetic. The man is like laughing and says 'oh, those, well yeah, its not like you can do any harm with those, ha ha ha' (in a mocking tone to the scurity guard). Then security guy says, 'no, that doesn't account for what I saw on the screen so I have to keep searching'. The next thing you know he finds a HUGE fricking knife in the guys bag! It's a camping knife, a la Rambo style, with a 4inch blade! Then the guy is like 'oh, so you are not allowed to bring those on board eh?'. Like you don't know. The craziest thing was that the man with the knife wasn't even muslim!

JUST KIDDING!!!!!!!!

Ok, that's it for now. I am calling it a day.

2003-11-21T13:53:00.000Z

I thought I would let you know that I got notification that my Blog Guestbook is going to be switched off, unless I pay a 10£ fee. As much as I would like to keep it going because I get so many entries from all my loyal readers (ummmm, last entry March 2003), I don’t think I can afford it. So now you will just have to NOT communicate with me through some other format. Bitches. Hehehe.

So whats new in London town… well a lot actually! Chris and I have decided to move in together… this is a first for me and pretty damn exciting. Location of the flat is amazing, as it is a 1 minute walk from Russell Square (central central London for anyone in Canada), and the flat is nice, big, and with a bit of decoration and the magic homo touch (ie, frills, doilies, pink cushions, and penis shaped candles), it will be wicked… one bedroom, lots of storage, good size kitchen, living room with balcony overlooking a park and even a little area with a glass roof type thing for plants to grow and prosper. Will be really good! Only shite thing is that there is no shower… I will let you know how that goes, but I am sure it wont be good. The idea of sitting down in a cold tub while attempting to splash my head with lukewarm water from under the tap does not have ‘this morning is getting off to a great start’ written all over it. Moving day is December 12th, so anyone planning on sending me xmas cards and lavishing me with frankincense and myrrh, will have to wait till I get my new address.

Oh, last Thursday I saw ‘the blind leading the blind’… and I don’t care what the expression implies, it was going really well. There is a blind guy who I always see walking down my street, sometimes with his seeing-eye dog and sometimes with his stick (I assume his dog only works part-time, or hates his job and runs away a lot, but then feels guilty about it and comes back). This time when I saw the blind man, he was being guided, arm in arm, by another blind guy with a stick… a seeing-eye blind man of sorts. I assume that this time the blind guy really pissed off his dog and the dog ran away with his stick.

2003-10-24T15:32:00.000Z

I am the biggest hypocrite in the world. I just spent the last 15minutes plane spotting. In my defense, today is the day the Concorde gets grounded, and in the UK there is a certain sense of awe the sight of it inspires. For the final flight extravaganza, 3 Concordes, one from Edinburgh, one from the states and one from somewhere else all just landed one after another at Heathrow Airport. The landing path lies directly over the city (good thinking airport designers), and so the three planes just flew overhead. It was slightly cool. That’s it, I’m outta here for the weekend.

2003-10-16T16:41:00.000Z

Not much to update really, just don’t want you guys to think I am dead or something. A new ozzy girl started at work who is pretty cool. We have bonded over topics such as bush and Iraq, which is cool as typically at work I have no one to talk about that with… engineers being typically blasé about everything except tits and ass. Oh wait I DO have something to blog about… tits and ass reminded me of it.
So people at work do not know that I am a big fat homo, or as one of my colleagues put it last Friday, ‘riding the wrong bus’. I just don’t talk about my social/sex life and they just assume I have a mysterious, undoubtedly heterosexual one. It’s a satisfactory situation for the most part as I don’t think some of my coworkers would be able to take me seriously wearing a hard hat and boots… partly for the village people image, and partly for the wimpy poof preconception. It hasn’t ever really become an issue, however the other day I found myself in an awkward situation when I was coming back from site and was in a minibus with some of the workers and they were all passing around porno magazines (and my mother wonders why I think I made the wrong choice becoming an engineer!). I had one thrown into my lap (thanks guys), and so I took the compulsory flip through the magazine… for the articles of course! Actually, in this case, that excuse is true… I was looking at the articles. They say that some of the most interesting and intelligent articles are written for pornographic magazines. ‘They’ being the guys at my work of course. Ok, that’s the end of my story.

Oh this past weekend a group of friends and I went out for one of the guys’ birthdays. There were 8 of us who went out for dinner at a place in Soho. We were all sitting around one table and during dinner, one of my friends got up to go to the loo. The rest of us all chatting and drinking failed to notice that while our friend left, another guy filled his seat. Our friend came back and ended up talking to someone at the far end of the table, so it actually took us about 15minutes before we realised that no one in our party knew who this guy sitting at our table was… I think we all assumed someone else knew him. So anyway, friend from the loo now wants to sit and asks stranger to move, stranger gets up and then sits down in Chris’ seat while he went to the loo! What the fuck?! You shouldn’t have to ask people to leave your dinner table should you? Hmm, maybe you had to be there… it was strange.

2003-09-30T14:29:00.000Z

Well I am back from holidays and not too pleased about it I must say. Had a good time in Canada showing Chris around, and although it was a quick meeting, it was really great to see everyone in Toronto at the Bishop and Belcher, the only place where a pint of Guinness is more expensive then london. Hawaii was amazing once again. Lena’s wedding went really well, and was set in a beautiful place with a picture perfect sunset in the back ground as well… couldn’t have ordered a nicer evening. Anyways, enough of the happy happy joy joy stuff.

Ok, so I have stopped smoking again. Thought it might be best to write it on my blog, therefore anyone who is anyone (ie anyone who reads this, ie the cool people, ie me and my mom) can bitch at me if they see me with a filthy, dirty, disgusting, putrid… vile…delicious…intoxicating…
Ok, no more mention of smoking as I am getting a mad craving. I have decided to quit cold turkey. On a side note, for about 10 years I thought quitting cold turkey meant you eat cold turkey to help you combat the cravings. I was a little embarrassed when someone pointed out my misunderstanding of the whole thing, and after I stocked up on 50 tins of cranberry sauce. I still do not know where the term originated from.

>>

ok, so I wrote the top part last week and forgot to post it, and now its Tuesday and I hope I remember to post this one. Not much to update other then that I worked all weekend, after working a full week, and I am working this whole week as well. Sucks shit if I may say so myself. It also doesn’t help that I am supervising a bunch of smokers all day, enticing me when I am most vulnerable… but I haven’t fallen off the wagon as of yet.

Today I went to visit one of our depot (not pronounced dee-pot) sites in Willesden Junction (North London). What a freaking shit hole that place is. Willesden a huge industrial area, sadly however in the distance you could see residential areas as well. Anyway, our depot is a short walk from the tube station, through some alleys and up over a bridge which crosses about 6 railway lines. Ok, I need to stress again how much of a shit hole this place is. There is garbage everywhere, the smell of industry (ie sulpher mixed with b.o. and a little bit of tire fire) hits you as you exit the train, noise, dirt, etc etc… did I mention shit hole? So me and a girl from work are starting to walk across this pedestrian bridge over the tracks and she says, ‘oh, the train-spotters are back…’

Firstly, let me tell you that for the longest time I thought the word ‘train-spotters’ or ‘train-spotting’ related to heroine junkies doing their thing … a la Hollywood blockbuster movie. Since working in the rail industry however, I have learned that ‘train-spotting’ really is a past-time that people actually partake in. So I of course figure that these people who go ‘spot’ trains are a little discerning as to what type of trains they are looking at… only admiring locomotives, steam engines, the Hogwart’s Express etc. at conventions or at certain times when the Queen comes by or something. Also, I figured that this hobby would be rare and that I would not really ever see anybody actively spotting trains.

How wrong I was! When I walked up those stairs and started crossing the bridge I was speechless. I have never seen such a pathetic group of losers in my life. There were approximately 20-25 guys, ranging in age from 18-70, some in little groups, but most spread out along the bridge in their own little area (I’m sure there is a hierarchy for who gets which section and best vantage point), some had binoculars, and one had a hand held telescope device which looked expensive and purpose built, and they also each had a pad of paper and pen with which they write down the make and model number of the trains that go by. Once again I stress at how filthy this area is, and that it is an industrial site where only freight trains pass and other very non interesting trains go by. These guys spend hours and hours each day standing in filth and jotting down train numbers and discussing them. It was so sad and a bit scary to see people choosing to waste so much of their time doing something so pathetic, and in such a nasty environment. At least now I know what all the people who reached Elf Lord status in Dungeons and Dragons are up to.

Today was a sad day for humanity.

Ok, I better get back to what I was doing. The 16:04 from London Bridge to Charing Cross Station is coming through soon… yesterday it was a Connex Train with model number 15062A and it had 8 carriages behind it. Man, you should have seen it go. Maybe today it will have 10 carriages!? I remember one time when I saw a model 15062A with 14 carriages!!! It was AMAZING. My friends don’t believe me, but its true. I took a couple of photos, the first bunch with the lens cap on, and then by the time I remembered to take it off, a stupid Model 704 blocked my view. 704’s suck.

2003-08-29T14:22:00.000Z

I was just standing outside having a ciggy with the other dirty smokers in my company. Rather then help, I watched a guy struggling with a suitcase trying to get out of our building, he tried all four doors (two of which are unlocked) and failed to get out… I laughed… then he went back to the first door and decided to push, rather then pull. Ahhh, life’s little pleasures.

2003-08-27T14:14:00.000Z

Catch up blog… Part Deux.

I went to site today and there was a really really obese man who was setting up this big generator on site. Even though he was not involved in any strenuous work whatsoever, and even though it’s a nice cool day outside… this guy was SWEATING. I am not talking about a damp forehead and some pit stains either. There was sweat dripping, like a very leaky tap, all over his face. I couldn’t stop thinking about the strain his body must be going through just keeping him alive and breathing, never mind standing! I was pleased when he left that he hadn’t drop dead on site while I was there, as I am sure there would be a lot of paperwork involved… ;)

Oh, I came out of the fag closet to all my mates here two weeks ago. For a long while now I have been hiding the truth and living a complete lie… this is my confession to you. At every opportune moment over the past year and a half, I have been sneaking out into dark alleyways, or hiding in a dingy toilet of a pub and sucking on any fag I could find. It just felt so right, so liberating, so… like god had always intended it to be! Man I feel so much better for letting you all know that I, Paul, am… a smoker. Oh and I plan to quit soon, blah blah blah.

2003-08-26T14:26:00.000Z

Ok, my blog has gone down hill hasn’t it? And who is to blame? Well according to the blameless culture in which I seem enveloped, no one is. There, doesn’t that make us all feel better?

I have started reading George Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four. The book is pretty captivating, and I am already right into the story. It is difficult to read it though and not analyse the current world around you, and compare it to 1984’s world. That it takes place in London, helps, as does the fact that some of Orwell’s ideas have actually happened and therefore making the possibility of his world slightly that much more plausible again. If you haven’t read it… I highly recommend it…mind you then ending may suck… but I doubt it! Watch this space. (on an interesting side note, Orwell’s house is right beside where Chris and I go kite flying… well I think its interesting!)

Work has been frustrating me a little lately. The blameless culture thing is just one aspect… it doesn’t seem to motivate people to do a job properly. If someone isn’t held at fault for making an error in judgment, accuracy, efficiency or most likely negligence, then how the hell will anyone learn. I don’t think punishment is the answer, but here it just seems it is ignored completely, and thus the persons or companies responsible don’t even realize what they did, or think they got away with it and thus will do it again. It is the main reason the whole rail industry in the UK is in the dire position it is in right now. Ok, enough of that.

Back to what has been up for the past month. Well work has taken over a little bit in the past weeks. I have been out on site, a la village people construction man, pretending I know what I am doing. On Saturday morning I watched a slab of concrete being poured. I will save the minute by minute of that morning for another blog. Hehe. But my time at work is now pretty much constantly taken up by work… all work and no play make paul something something. My upcoming holiday is well needed.

Chris and I have done a bit more traveling. Went to Cheddar, where the cheese is from, and camped there for two nights…. The first of which was sans any sleeping gear as we left it in London! Cheddar is known for its gorge and caves. The caves were pretty amazing… full of stalactites and stalagmites in these HUGE openings, which were sooooo colourful. It was beautiful. We also decided to climb the gorge. Well no, Chris thought it a good idea to not use the winding tourist stairs and path, but rather to climb straight up the rock face. I admit it seemed like an alright idea at the time… the mountain goats on the opposite side of the gorge should have set some type of warning off in my head, but no… anyway, we climbed and it was steep and dangerous and I turned into my mother telling chris to be careful and that this maybe wasn’t the best idea, and chris just kept going… and I had to keep following as this was one of those climbs that you can only do up… there is no going back… and if you reach a dead-end you have to have Search and Rescue come take you down… a no doubt humiliating experience which I was almost ready to put myself through to avoid death. But death didn’t come, and neither did Rescue 911 (or 999 for UK). Apart from the climb itself being very very steep and slippery and awkward, to make things a lot worse, the whole mountainside was covered in brambles and thorn bushes. Everything seemed to have thorns, including the moss. When we got to the top I was so happy nothing happened. I told Chris I was maybe a little too old for that kind of stuff, but then again, I am now really glad I did it, it was a good experience and nothing did happen in the end that was life threatening, so all is well right??? Lord knows I am sure he will convince me to do more things such as these… hopefully I will always be able to tell the stories as well. We also went to Bath that weekend which is such a pretty city. Very well worth a visit. We stayed in a nice B&B and relaxed for the day.

I was stuck on a train on the hottest day of the…ever actually, for 4 hours in the middle of the night. Vanessa, Chris, my friend Rob, Louise and I went to brighton for pride. Had an amazing day, pride was a huge party, with big dance tents and rides etc…. we went for a swim in the ocean and enjoyed the blazing heat. The ride home however was hell on wheels… hell on rails to be more accurate. Damn, I cant go into it now as I am getting writers cramp, but it’s a good story. Ask me sometime, if I haven’t bitched about it to you already. There is much more to tell. I have left the blog too long, and now cannot catch up! More soon.

2003-07-31T14:20:00.000Z

Office Etiiquette –Lesson Number 158

I just went into one of the little kitchens in my office building to get a glass of water… one of my co-workers is standing there in his bare feet! Am I being over sensitive here? Is this something which has become okay? Its like I work at Baywatch Headquarters… minus the hot boys in swim trunks doing sit-ups randomly on the beech…. Mmmmmm… randomly on the beech…

Last weekend was pride in London. Won’t go into details but I had an amazing weekend. Oh!, I had the opportunity to wear a kilt for the first time. I must say I have always been jealous of Scots and Irish for being able to wear them. All my Dutch heritage ever allowed me to wear was wooden shoes or ‘klompen’, and I only ever really did that in public once… show and tell in grade school… if I remember correctly, I think I was forced to wear knicker bockers the same day. Needless to say I have been a troubled lad ever since. Anyway, back to kilts. Last weekend a pretty weak excuse for me to actually wear one came up, so of course I jumped at the opportunity. I was a little worried at first about dancing around in a skirt and flashing unsuspecting people, however a couple of beers later and what other people thought, was about the last thing on my mind. I had a wicked time, and no accidental flashes occurred, however a couple of properly staged ones may have. For those who have never experienced the kilt… let me tell you that having your genitals feel the cool breeze at night is wear its at! hehe.

2003-07-22T13:57:00.000Z

Ghetto-fabulous

So I thought that having a laptop would make it easier to update my blog… not so I guess.

I don’t know what was going on in my hood on Sunday, but it started with an accident right in front of my building. A kid who was about 10-12yrs old was riding his scooter the wrong way down a one way street (which these punk ass kids do all the time, usually sans helmets) and has a head-on collision with a family in an audi. I ran to the window to observe the carnage, and called the cops and ambulance. Luckily the kid wasn’t too hurt, but he did smash the windshield and damage the car and his scooter pretty bad. As he was very underage, he was whisked away to his home before the cops arrived, by some guy on the street who happened to know him… leaving the driver of the car standing alone in the middle of the street, still in a state of shock. On a positive note after all this, I met some new people in my block of flats… they were also hanging out their window, a la ‘227’, watching the events unfold.

Later the same day more sirens and flashing lights… and then suddenly the street in front of my flat is cordoned off by police. Huh. Then that gets cleared up and a couple of hours later still, the police cordoned off a different section just a bit further down the street with another incident… sirens, lights, tape across the road... bizarre… every time Chris and I heard sirens that night (which was a lot of times) we just looked at each other in disbelief.

Last night I was sitting by my window sill once more, curlers in my hair, flower pots on either side, chin resting on my hands, gazing up at the stars… and I look out to see some of the neighborhood kids throwing rocks… their target being two drunk homeless guys, walking… stumbling down the street, one playing the flute, as you would expect, the other, bizarrely, drinking a can of beer. For some reason Iam starting to find all this behaviour strangely endearing and a charming addition to my surroundings… that string of vehicle fires we had a little while ago, seemed to have the same effect…

I am starting to think that maybe im becoming... a Ghetto Supah-stah.

Word.

2003-07-02T14:01:00.000Z

I spy with my little eye something beginning with the letter... 'E'...
Ummmm, is it the ‘E’ight and a half months pregnant women walking around my office with the aid of two crutches while wearing 3-inch stiletto heels?

My boss just blatantly picked his nose and ate it. I am not one to talk about people picking their noses, as I have a condition myself… a genetic disorder shall we say, which causes me to every once in a while surrender to the urge to clean house a little bit… but when was anyone ever put under the impression that eating your boogers was okay, tasty, or in any way appropriate?!

2003-07-01T12:02:00.000Z

HAPPY CANADIA DAY

I just received an email today from my aunt in florida, who I never really ever speak with, saying congratulations on going to law school… she went to my step brothers’ wedding and evidently spoke to my father who evidently wasn’t paying attention when I told him weeks ago that I have decided not to go to law school… maybe I should give everyone an update…

1. I have decided to put my acceptance to law school on hold for one year, I decided this a while ago, however wanted to make sure this time that I was making the right decision… so that I don’t have to write another update later saying that I changed my mind again. I’m wishy washy enough as it is. The reason: I just don’t want to be a student right now… maybe never again. Also, I don’t even know if law is right for me… so why put my life on hold for a couple of years and go into major debt for something I am not sure about. Applying to law school was a good idea though, as it has opened up my eyes to some new opportunities and made me realise all kinds of glorious things. You should try it… I highly recommend it!
2. Chris and I have just passed the 4 month mark. This is my second longest relationship… which doesn’t say much for me, but says lots for Chris for his resilience.
3. I will most likely be passing through Toronto in early September on my way to Hawaii to go to Lena’s wedding. My mother has finally had enough of me storing my crap in her basement… that and all my old porno mags are a major fire hazard.
4. I will be hooked up to the internet (finally!) at home on July 5th. Watch this space!

Ok that’s it. I know this blog sucked.

2003-06-16T13:08:00.000Z

Okay, I think its about time for a little update to señor blog. I went to Dublin last weekend. I have been there once before with my friend Siobhan, but that was only for 24 hours… we ended up taking a tour of the Jameson’s Whiskey distillery before 11 in the morning… actually we skipped the tour as you had to pay 4.50 euros for the tour and a free whiskey, or 4.50 euros for two whiskeys with no tour… hmmm, that decision wasn’t very difficult. Very long story, about a short trip, made short, we went, we drank, someone puked, we slept on concrete, we flew home.
Dublin revisited: the trip last weekend was much more civilized. Chris and I flew over for a couple of days to stay in my flat mate’s boyfriends flat. Its right in the heart of Dublin, overlooking the castle. Very la ti da. We did an open top bus tour, flew a kite in the park (Chris and I are on a mission to fly this kite in as many different countries as possible…. So far we are at 3), visited the Chester Beatty Library (voted European Museum of the Year 2002) which was really interesting. I saw a couple of pages of some old book… I think it was called the ‘Bible’ from 200AD!!! The Guiness factory is in Dublin as well, so we took what we thought was a tour of the brewery. Ends up you don’t get to see the brewery at all… they have made this high-tech do it yourself tour. You walk around looking at all these displays and you read… too much reading to be honest, but the high-techiness was really cool… except for those of you who are epileptics, I think the flashing lights and screens and waterfalls would have triggered a shake or two. Most importantly, after the tour you get a free guiness at the top of this ‘tour building’ and a 360 degree view of the city.

This weekend was another beautiful weekend in London. On Saturday I went with a couple of friends to Hever Castle just south west of the city. The castle itself was actually pretty freaking small, at least it appeared so from the outside… however once inside, touring this castle… the overall shittiness of the artifacts they had showing, ended up making it seem like a ginormous never ending castle. Anne Boleyn used to live there, which is kinda cool, and she had a brother who was very ugly and deformed looking… atleast the manikin which supposedly looked like him was very very ugly. That’s the type of tour it was… manikins in period costumes, posed in awkward positions like they are doing stuff… ye olde boring stuff. The gardens of the castle were beautiful however and included two mazes. One hedge, one water, the latter being kinda childish, but kinda cool…. Make a wrong turn and get sprayed with water. It was well done as the triggers for the water were hidden in the stones on the path. We had a picnic by a lake, flew a kite for about 30 seconds until it was stuck in a tree, and I stole a basil plant from ye olde herb garden. Yesterday I met up with an old friend of mine from high school, her sister and another friend… showed them around for a bit, and then had a rest in Leicester Square. While we were sitting in the grass and I was explaining why London is a pretty cool city, two drunken homeless guys were sitting a couple of metres away and began farting loudly. Funny in a way, but not so funny in so many more ways, and definitely not helping my tale of cool London. Then one of them started puking. A lot of puke… and it was noisy… I had to raise my voice over the sounds of him vomiting, so that I could continue to tell my friend how nice and beautiful and friendly and clean the city was. HAHAHA. When the man was finished throwing up, he much to my surprise put a small brown bag over top of it so that people wouldn’t have to look at it, (thought that was very thoughtful of him) and then left. About two minutes later some more people sauntered into the park and much to our pleasure sat RIGHT beside the small brown paper bag.

Up to the minute update. I just asked a lady at my work if she could type me up a transmittal as that is what she does. She laughed at me, kept walking and waved at me. I was a little confused… but it turns out she just walked out on her job.

Fin.

2003-06-03T15:45:00.000Z

Office Etiquette: Despite what you might think… Even a little bit of ass crack is not okay.

I reluctantly discovered the existence of a jogging club at my work today. One of the members, post-jogging, walked by my desk… surrounded by a thick, green cloud of olfactory chemical warfare, which emanated from every pore and crease of his clinically obese body. When I turned around to see what was making my eyes water and my body involuntarily dry heave… I got a big face full of ass… let me rephrase… I got a face full of big ass. Bare, sweaty, gross ass crack. At least a good 10cm worth. In my office… where I was eating lunch… and breathing… and where I sit every day. I will admit that, if say… David Beckham had come and sat down beside me, showing me a little bit of ass… I would probably be writing a much much much different blog entry… but as it stands… big, smelly and sweaty ass in my face is sooo not cool.

2003-05-27T12:30:00.000Z

Man oh man, do I feel rough this morning. Celebrated my birthday yesterday… 28 years old, and definitely much less able to counteract the effects of alcohol. I was still stumbling this morning on my way to the shower. So now I am at work, attempting to blend in with the productive members of society, but most likely failing miserably… I think the drool coming out of the side of my mouth, the bags under my eyes, and the mismatched outfit, are all giving me away. Had a really good b-day weekend though. Many of the things planned for the last couple of days, initially, turned out to be real shitty, only to end up getting better then expected by the end. With this track record, Chris and I can start making the crappiest plans in the world, and still come out smelling of roses. I think a trip to Euro Disney is in order! HAHA!
Oh I learned how to break into my flat this weekend as well. Locked the keys in the house for the second time, except this time my flat mate was in Ireland for the weekend and so I really had to figure out how to get back in... Unbeknownst to me, but knownst to Chris, with a credit card, an empty hair dye bottle, and lots of cursing, any door can be opened. I think that puts McGuyver’s, coat hanger, hockey puck and tampon trick to shame! This idea also worked a lot better then the first plan we had in mind… it involved climbing a drainpipe up to the fourth floor, and then attempting to clamber into my tiny bedroom window. No balconies, no anything, just bare wall, drainpipe, window… needless to say we were idiots for even including it on our list of options.
Hmmm, what else happened… ummm, I was flying a kite yesterday on ‘kite hill’ and managed to get it wrapped around two other peoples kite, bringing them all down onto all the onlookers… ummm, oh, I dropped my deodorant stick in the toilet… as I was peeing… ummm, well that’s all I can think of. Damnit! i just realised I forgot to put on a belt this morning... sigh. Well, I am sure there is more to tell you, but brain still not functioning properly. Hope you all had a good one as well.

2003-05-23T10:36:00.000Z

So last night reality tv hit a new low. I didn’t think it was really possible, but it has. Yesterday’s show was called Celebrity Detox. It’s five B-list celebrities who are shipped to Taipei or Taiwan or Thailand or tai something… anyway, these celebs have volunteered to go through a programme to cleanse their bodies. The programme includes no food for a week, except for these special detox drinks, all kinds of different therapies from aroma to water to massage to meditating… whatever. The programme also includes three 18 litre enemas per day. Ok, so I sort of have to describe to you how this thing works. There is a slightly inclined plastic board with a hole in the bottom. The hole is placed over the toilet so that what ever spills onto the board will flow into it. The celebs then have to lie down on this board, lube their bums, insert the enema tube, wait for half and hour while 18 litres of a coffee/water/other stuff mixture flows into their intestines… then the body begins to expel the 18 litres of liquid and in turn ‘cleans them out’. The thing is… the cameras are in the bathroom with them the whole time! The celebrities are talking to the audience while shit and liquid is being expelled, at speed, out of their ass. The camera only shows the upper body, so you don’t see anything other then their facial expressions, however, as this is a small bathroom… you can hear EVERYTHING. Let me tell you… 18 litres of coffee mixture and shit does not sound pretty shooting out of someone’s rectum, landing on a plastic board and sliding down into the toilet…
To add to the excitement of the whole reality of it all, at the end of their detox week they had to let their last enema go through a strainer, then the celebs had to carry the strainer outside, so that someone could inspect it. Now that’s entertainment!

This morning on my way to work I was walking along a moving sidewalk at Waterloo Station and the guy in front of me was walking kind of slow and not allowing anyone to pass him (which is pretty hard anyways on this thing as its pretty narrow) but anyway, I accidentally clipped his heel with my shoe, nothing to bad but he did look back and glance at me… then about 30 seconds later, I did it again (accidentally I swear!). This grown man, in a business suit turned to look at me again, and then he RAN away!

2003-05-22T15:48:00.000Z

We have a plotter at work and it is missing a screw… not such a big deal except for the fact that now it has a slight shimmy which develops as the printer head moves about… not such a big deal except that the plots we do are pretty large drawings and so the plotter tends to reach a natural frequency while printing and really begins to shimmy… not such a big deal except that every fucking shimmying motion is associated with a squeaking noise. All day long it sounds like two people having rhythmic sex on an old rickety bed. I feel like I am alone in a cheap motel, trying to fall asleep within the stained, cold sheets, listening to the fatso next door shagging a prostitute.

I have phoned IT about this ‘problem’, however I think that they are all sitting downstairs laughing at me… I know I would be if I was them. Damn poetic justice.

2003-05-16T09:05:00.000Z

Yesterday I was doing my grocery shopping at Sainsbury’s (Loblaws for the Canadians), and while molesting some melons, I heard an argument break out somewhere at the other end of the store. I was a little intrigued, as was pretty much everyone in the store… but I resisted the temptation to gawk and so continued on with my shopping. The yelling continued for a couple of minutes, and then subsided. Now, three aisles further through my shopping experience, the yelling started up again, but the volume and fury in the voice was raised up a few notches. This time of course, I had to see what the hell is going on. There is a middle-aged guy trying to fight his way, kicking and screaming, back into the store to continue the argument he as having 10 minutes ago. Two security guards and some members of the public were trying to hold him back and push him out, but to no avail. A rack of cards gets knocked over… an elderly bystander gets an elbow to the chest. When this guy finally reaches the cashiers desk (where I presume earlier he had been buying his groceries) he started yelling at the girl. ‘I WANT MY POINTS, GIVE ME MY FUCKING POINTS’. So this guy was furious, veins popping in his forehead furious, making all this commotion… and why? Because evidently… for some reason he hadn’t been able to collect his stupid Nectar Card Points (like ‘Air Miles’, but for toothpaste and bananas). It would have made a good Seinfeld episode… ‘Serenity Now!’

Also yesterday, I was sitting in my window ledge, enjoying a smoke, when a female jogger with a huge ‘rack’ (that’s for you Chris) came running past. Her ample bosom reaching for the sky, and then bouncing back, until they nearly made contact with her knees. As all this was happening two punk-ass kids on BMXs were riding along side her at the exact same pace, staring, perving, obviously mesmerized by the oscillatory motion before them. They did this for at least a minute until one almost crashed into a parked car.
Ok, well I think you had to be there to appreciate the funniness… next time I tell it I will replace ‘almost crashed into a parked car.’ with ‘crashed into a parked car which a hobo was sleeping in. Then the hobo staggered out, in one hand holding a beer can full of urine, with the other hand, he grabbed the large breasted jogger, lifted her off her feet and kissed her with the most passionate kiss which will be remembered through the ages.’ Nothing like a romantic comedy.

2003-05-13T14:07:00.000Z

Well, I did know my MSN Messenger would be taken away sooner or later, and it appears that it was disabled while I was on holiday… which, by the way, is why it has been so long since I last updated this site. All of you who expressed your concern regarding my absence (which was none of you…) I am OK and have not died.

So I went to Gran Canaria in the Canary Islands for 10 days and had an amazing time. Chris and myself went along with two friends of ours, John and Super Gay Chris (I call him that for no other reason than that he is… super gay). We stayed at Club Tucanes a gay resort, in Playas de Ingles, the gay part of the island, right beside the Yumbo Centre, the hot spot for gay night life (basically it looked like a run down, three-tiered, open air, parking garage, which operated as a shopping mall by day and by nightfall suddenly every variety of gay pubs and clubs appear all over the place! kind of bizarre, but fun). Oh, I also went on a gay boat cruise… needless to say, the whole holiday was all a tad… ummm… festive. hehe. Seriously though, I did have some reservations about doing a strictly homo-holiday as I am not one who tends to segregate my life into categories such as that, but it was a lot of fun and I got to do things that I would not have done if it had been a ‘normal’ holiday… such as tan my bits and pieces while playing cards by the pool side! haha. Other then letting our penises and testicles feel the breeze, Chris and I hired mountain bikes and cycled into the mountains, hung out at the beach and did a lot of kite flying in the desert. Gran Canaria is one of the larger islands and has a 5 square mile section of it, which is totally covered in sand dunes... the sand blows across the Atlantic from the Sahara. When I saw it for the first time, I was taken aback by the beauty of it… we took some photos, but they do not do it justice at all. In fact it looks like I am standing in a sandbox with a backdrop of a desert behind me… oh well, you must see it for yourselves sometime then. Anyway, Chris has this 2m wide stunt kite and we went out and flew it quite a bit, unknowingly we also went out once when it was just a little too windy, broke the kite and got caught in a sand storm. We had been taking such good care of our tans (burns), moisturizing ever couple of hours… just to have three layers of skin painfully (seriously) sandblasted off again! Was all good though. One more thing which deserves a mention: Gran Canaria for some very strange reason has scales ALL over the place (like the upright ones you find in malls and pubs with the big dials and a coin slot that you stand on and weigh yourself with). They are placed along the sidewalks and boardwalks… but in some areas they are each no more then 20m apart. In one place you can stand and see like 5 or 6 in plain view. There really is no logical explanation for it, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the Canary Islands as disproportionate amount of bulimics and anorexics. At first it turned into a little game, who could spot the scales, but after about a minute I realised the game became quite boring as there were just too many to bother commenting on. Ok, that’s it for now. I have some good stories from my trip, but most require me flailing my arms about to properly explain the whole scenario…

Hope all is well with everyone.

2003-04-29T10:31:00.000Z

Yesterday I became fed up with the whole buying a laptop process and decided that no matter what I did or which ‘deal’ I chose, I would feel like I have been taken to the local drive through African Lion Safari, bent over the hood of the car and repeatedly …. (hmmm, what’s the best way to put this….) violently probed by every rabid gibbon monkey with opposable thumbs and the knowledge of how to use them. So I bit the bullet and bought myself a shiny new puter with all the bells and whistles attached… not literally though as I couldn’t afford that model. I have a feeling that this may be a major turning point in my life people. The possibilities are endless now… the convenience this little machine will bring… the new ‘cyber’ world this will open up… Just thinking about it makes me giddy… Paul Wynen… computer owner and operator…

You may notice some changes in me over the next couple of months, but don’t let that worry any of you. I am still the same old Paul. Just better. I may use words that are new to you such as ‘surfing’, ‘internet’, ’to’, ‘download’, ‘porn’, but this is normal for people with my stature in the world of computer ownership. Wish me luck, I will make sure I don’t forget those who I leave in the past, as I venture into… the future.

2003-04-24T08:46:00.000Z

Oh my god, if I hear one more SARS joke I am going to strangle someone. Being Canadian and living in the UK, and letting out the occasional cough or sneeze has led to about one goddamn SARS comment every 5 minutes being directed my way. The front page of the Metro newspaper today reads ‘Toronto shut to tourists by bug’… this is bound to lead to at least another week’s worth of jokes. I’ll tell you this much, if I did have SARS I would be spitting in everyone’s coffee. Hehe. …Who’s coughing now?

2003-04-22T11:34:00.000Z

Well I feel like absolute shite this morning. Have a cold and maybe a bit of the flu, whatever it is, it ain’t pretty. Normally I think I would have stayed home if I woke up feeling like this, however, since it’s the first day back from a four day holiday, I am pretty sure no one would have believed me if I called in sick… damn their untrusting souls to hell.

Yesterday Chris, Melanie, my bro and I went on a road trip to Stone Henge with a little side trek to Salisbury Cathedral. The cathedral was pretty crazy big and beautiful. Amongst a multitude of dead religious and royal types, this building also houses one of the four copies of the Magna Carta, the first declaration of basic human rights written in 13th century. The UK, Canada and many other countries use this declaration as the foundation of their Charters, constitution, laws etc. Pretty interesting. Stone Henge on the other hand was a little disappointing. For those in Canada who have not seen it, let me set straight some assumptions about Stone Henge that I had, and maybe you have.

Fiction: The stones are somewhere along the coast in a rocky outcropping over looking the sea.
Fact: They are in the middle of the country, and their nearest body of water is the drinking fountain in the gift shop.
Fiction: You are able to walk in and around the stones, and urinate against them as much as you like.
Fact: Those who trespass the ropes surrounding the site, will be shot, then tortured then questioned.
Fiction: The druids were somehow involved in the placing of Stone Henge.
Fact: Actually, other then a brief reference during the documentary ‘Space Balls’, it is not even known if the planet Druidia exists, so the chance of alien life forms from that planet coming to earth to help set up some stones in a circle seems a little unlikely doesn’t it?
Fiction: There is not a highway running right beside Stone Henge.
Fact: There is a highway running right beside Stone Henge.
Fiction: The weather in the area directly surrounding the site is forever creating a ‘gloomy-like’ atmosphere, to enhance the effect of the mysteriousness aspect we all associate with Stone Henge, thus increasing its appeal to tourists.
Fact: Yesterday, it was sunny, with variable clouds. The warm front moving in from the south east, brought with it temperatures in the high teens, low twenties. The high for the day was 23, dropping down to 14 in the evening. Today will be much the same, with patchy rain possible for the evening.

I think I am going to go home for the rest of the day. People are telling me I look like crap… that’s nothing new really, but today I sort of believe ‘em.

2003-04-16T11:50:00.000Z

Every other Wednesday I chair a meeting which attempts to coordinate all the engineering works scheduled to be completed for our project. Today a guy in my meeting said, and let me assure you I am quoting this word for word...'Oh, I'll show those goombas up top where they can shove their report, and let me tell you, it will hurt'.
Who the hell says this shit?

2003-04-11T09:09:00.000Z

Well I am a little hung over today. Had a doo with work yesterday which involved drinks and food, I bailed early though to go out with a couple of mates. As I was leaving the pub, some of my colleagues yelled after me, something along the lines of ‘we’ll make an engineer out of you yet’… yeah right you will! hehe. Anyways, met up in Soho for some drinks and dinner, and three bottles of wine and more drinks. Chris and I decided to head to one last pub for a night cap… while there some guy came up to us and asked for a pound, he didn’t look like a bum but he was asking for a pound so he must have been… right? Anyways, Chris obliged the guy, being the nice boy he is, and then the guy says, actually I really need three pounds... cheeky fucker! So then I in my half drunken haze ask him what I would get in return for the extra two pounds, and he said a cigarette, so I said ok (again in my drunken haze) and I gave him two pounds. Then this guy took off (no big surprise!)… realising that we had just been ripped off, Chris sets out after him, and spots the bloke in the back of the pub and goes to get our money back. After some words the guy gives Chris back his pound but he wouldn’t give him mine… anyway … long story short, I wasn’t going to get my two pounds or my cigarette so Chris had the guy kicked out of the pub! Hahaha. Definitely worth two quid! Ok that story wasn’t very good. I think I should have included a midget, some tequila, a couple of drag queens and a B-list celebrity of some sort to spice it up a little. Hmmm, maybe the answer is more booze. The more I drink, the less I remember… therefore, when I try to recall the events of the night before I can fill in the gaps with some interesting adventures. Oooo, maybe I will have a run in with the pope, or various members of the Russian mafia, or someone from the ice capades! The opportunities are endless! Watch this space…

2003-04-10T08:08:00.000Z

There are always people standing outside the tube stations trying to hand you a magazine of some sort. The other morning, while on my way to work I was about to go into Camden station and there was this lady trying to off load her crappy freebie magazines onto commuters… now I don’t know if she just didn’t see where she was standing, or if she has failed a marketing class or two, but right in front of her, and I mean like 50cm away from her feet was the biggest, freshest, and no doubt smelliest pile of feces (either from a gigantic dog-like creature or possibly a very unwell humanoid). If anyone actually wanted to have one of her stupid magazines, they would have to traverse knee deep through shit to get one… and then no doubt require the magazine to scrape all the poo off of their shoes!
(On an related side note: Microsoft Word recognizes the word ‘shit’ but not ‘poo’)

2003-04-08T08:37:00.000Z

The other night I noticed a group of squatters squatting on the rooftop of the abandoned storage warehouse beside my flat. It didn’t bother me much, other then the fact that they made me feel like a materialistic uber-capitalist pig looking down at the dregs of society from my fancy shmancy flat, with its walls, ceilings and doors that open with a handle, rather then a swift kick. Anyway, the sweet smell of hippies, which was wafting up the side of my building and filling my room, almost persuaded me to go join them, but the thought of getting an imprint of an upside down milk crate on my ass kept me away. The whole stereotypicalness of the scene was pretty funny though. They seemed like a group of amateur actors on an ‘Say NO to Drugs!’ after-school television special, trying to ‘act’ and do what they think hippies would be doing. One of ‘em was juggling, another had his devil sticks out, a small group were joking and laughing (most likely at the demise of something wholesome)… In London if you are squatting, and have successfully squatted in a building for 10 years without anyone successfully unsquatting you off the property, you then become owner of the property and can no longer be called a squatter. Not bad eh?! I don’t think the guys next to me will last long though… they threw a little underground rave party on Saturday night and it was pretty freaking loud. There were cues outside to get in, and was still going on at noon the next day… so yeah, I have a feeling they won’t be there very long, as it doesn’t take much for people to complain and have them kicked out… that and I called the cops on those do-no-good, lazy ass, smelly beatnicks. (insert evil laugh here) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…

2003-03-31T15:58:00.000Z

So we moved into a new office today and my MSN messenger is (temporarily I’m sure) back on line. I realised today how much time that that program actually sucks up! My productivity is at an all time low, and considering that I have had nothing to do for the past 2 months… that’s pretty low! Usually I wouldn’t complain, however new office, new responsibilities, and new position means more work and less play, and that makes Pauly an angry boy.
The building I am in is one gigantic portable. Fact: it is the second largest portable building ever built in the UK. It’s a four story office which was built in about 3 weeks out of prefab blocks and it has seating for about 200 persons on each level, and lots of meeting rooms and a cafeteria etc etc. Its pretty damn huge and much better then the old portables we had at my old school. There is actually air conditioning, instead of a broken fan. There are two elevators instead of a set of rickety wooden stairs. There are windows instead of holes in the walls where birds have made nests and raccoons came to die. They nicknamed this place ‘Porta-Cabin City’, but the big cheese has since deemed that name unprofessional, so now it has been named after a nerdy engineer… ‘James something or another’. We had three power outages this morning which made working a pleasure and taking the elevators an interesting game of Russian roulette. Speaking of the lifts…
For anyone who has ever been to my flat, they will know about the recorded female voice on my elevator that announces the floor your are on, or passing by. I think the volume is not quite set right, because instead of hearing the pleasant sound of a lady, cheerfully telling you the floors, she instead yells at you at the top of her lungs, kind of like she is actually clinging onto the other side of the elevator wall, announcing which floor is about to crush her next… ‘FIRST FLOOR!!’…’SECOND FLOOR!!’…’THIRD FLOOR!!’. Anyway, I just discovered she is two-timing me and working at Porta-Cabin City too! Thankfully though, they have stuffed a sock in her mouth so her screams are a little more bearable.

2003-03-27T15:31:00.000Z

Well I am back in London, after a whirlwind trip to Vancouver. Lots of stuff worth blogging about, however I am still a little jet lagged (ie too lazy) to coordinate them all into one fantastic story so I will just quickly blurt something out.

On the way over, the guy sitting in the seat in front of me somehow dislocated his hip while sitting in his chair. This was followed by good Samaritans on the plane trying to literally punch this old man’s hip back into place, mind you, they were hitting his knee as this was prior to someone actually confirming the location of the dislocated joint… not surprisingly the next thing heard wasn’t a miraculous POP! of a joint falling into place, but … ‘is there a doctor on board?’ … luckily there was… and a paramedic and an ER nurse ( I did offer to help btw but only after it seemed that punching the old man’s limbs had maybe caused him more pain. I don’t really remember my lifeguard training too well, but I think I would have remembered that move!). Anyway, as this excitement was all unfolding right in front of my eyes, I decided it was more interesting then the crap ass ‘classic’ flick Air Canada was showing, so I buckled myself in for my live episode of ER. When the doctors and nurses arrived, they politely asked the good Samaritan witch doctors to leave, and helped the old man lie down in the aisle. After numbing old man hip replacement’s leg with ice, they used blankets and belts to try and put the hip back in. This seemed to only cause the man more agony, so to shut him up they injected him with morphine… some more attempts were made at relocating the joint, but to no avail. Admitting defeat, they made the guy comfy, injected him with valium (valium and morphine mix?… who knew?!) and let him lay in the aisle for the rest of the flight. The whole time this was going on, his wife who was still sitting in her seat, despite the chaos around her, just kept saying ‘ this is the third time he’s done this, this is the third time he’s done this’. Nothing like a little sympathy from a loved one! Haha

2003-03-19T14:38:00.000Z

‘Story cont’d on next page just under the titty’

I played Jenga last night, or rather I played ‘Falling Tower Game’, a cheap imitation version of Jenga. It’s the exact same as the real one except the pieces are cut a little wonky… which just ends up adding to the fun as the tower gets wobbly and pretty much falls over after you remove the first piece. Speaking of something completely unrelated, I was on the train the other day, on my way in to work and someone had left a Sun newspaper on the seat. Bored, and against my better judgment, I pick it up and read the article on the cover page, a serious story about Iraq and the looming war, get to the bottom and it says, ‘Cont’d on page 2’. So I open it up to finish the story on the second page, to reveal a Page 3 girl (topless Sunshine Girl for those in Canada) with gigantic, almost hypnotic juggernauts, staring out at me. Suddenly I am reading a porno mag while sitting on the tube! I am now completely self conscious as I just went from a cultured innocent young man, attempting to educate himself on the doings of the crazy world, to a dirty old perv, ogling titties in public, in the span of two seconds! I dunno, there is just something not right about publishing stories of a very serious nature, for which the columns of the article have had to be awkwardly formatted, and the text moved aside, to allow for some girls, no doubt surgically enhanced, nipples to be fully displayed. lol.

Gone for a week.

2003-03-18T13:31:00.000Z

‘War, what is it good for?… Wholesome family entertainment, that's what!’

A very small part of me is looking forward to the upcoming war with Iraq. Don’t get me wrong, I am dead against it, and I definitely do not think it should be happening, especially without UN backing, but still…

I remember when the first Gulf War started, I was glued to CNN every night, just watching all the missiles take off and explode, take off and explode... mmmm, that soothing green glow of the night vision camera which follows the bombs, and films their destruction. There is something to be said about war isn't there? I have been reading up on the upcoming ‘shock and awe’ approach Bush is going to use, which is basically two days worth of a ridiculous amount of weapons of mass destruction (funnily enough) being unleashed against the Iraqis, and I am afraid that I felt a little twinge of excitement from my sadistic and voyeuristic side. I can see myself now, like a slack-jawed yokel staring at missile after missile, bomb after bomb being fired off... utterly and totally engulfed... no pun intended.

Sadly however, I will be missing the senseless killings of innocent people, and massive destruction of a country, designed to pave the way for a pro-American regime in the Middle East, as I will be in Vancouver attending my brother’s wedding later this week. Maybe its for the best.

2003-03-14T14:03:00.000Z

My cable went out last night, so I ended up watching Moulin Rouge with my flat mate. Although I think it’s a great move, I managed to fall asleep within the first few minutes, no doubt dreaming of Ewan McGregor and a bunch of plague infested Frenchmen, eating their ‘Freedom Toast’ with a side of ‘Freedom Fries’. This morning I wake up to find my flat mate on hold with the cable company, calling to let them know that they suck and that the cable is still out. I take a shower, get dressed, make breakfast and sit down beside my flat mate who is still on the phone, still on hold. I offer to wait on hold, as he has done so for about half an hour already, so he can get ready for work. After about 10 minutes of reassurance that my call was important and that it would be answered as soon as possible, I finally get through. I was told by the ‘agent’ (their term, not mine) that I had to turn the power to the cable box off… ok, done… and then wait for the ‘magic’ (their term, not mine) to happen. After turning the power back on, there was a signal and all was honkey donkey again. The ‘agent’ was all ‘see, a little magic and presto’… however, as we had had a signal earlier that morning, which then subsequently disappeared, my flat mate and I were skeptical and I decided to keep the ‘agent’ on the phone to make sure that it didn’t suddenly disappear again as we had been waiting on hold for 45 minutes. After 2 minutes (felt like 10) of sitting on the phone watching the BBC news anchor man yipping away, waiting for something to go wrong, my flat mate and I finally became satisfied that the ‘agent’, had indeed worked some magic and fixed our problems. A cheery ‘Good Bye’ from me, was followed by a cheery ‘So long’ from the ‘agent’, which was followed by me hanging up the phone, which was followed by 1.5 seconds of relief, which was followed by BZZZT…. Silence.

2003-03-11T16:23:00.000Z

‘A Tortise is not just for Christmas’

I just found out that people have tortises as pets! Not those little turtles that you keep in an aquarium and that make you sick if you touch them, but tortises that you let out in the back yard to roam around. A friend of mine has two of these guys living at his house, although I didn’t see them as they are in the middle of a six month hibernation period, but I was assured that they exist. One is 50yrs old and the other about 20. I was also informed that some owners like to drill a hole in the shell, insert a screw to a rope and let the tortise run around in a circular pattern…(luckily not these ones). Oh, and some get fed dog food. Fascinating facts about tortises which I am sure you never knew. Over the next little while I will attempt to fill my blogspot with more amazing facts, such as ‘Whoopie Goldberg: Not nearly as mentally handicapped as she makes herself out to be’ and ‘Roy Orbison: The only known albino with dark hair and brown eyes, and normal skin’.

2003-03-07T14:27:00.000Z

I am having one of those days that just drags on forever. Its not even two in the afternoon and I am looking at my watch about every 30 seconds. This is painful. I have decided that the only way I can occupy myself is by writing in this space. I will punish myself for my lack of work ethic by telling you something about myself of which I am not proud. Which of the myriad of low-lights of my life shall I divulge…

Ok, here is one. I used to have a dog named Bonnie, some of you may have known her, anyway, she was a cute black cocker spaniel, looked like that dog on the Coppertone commercials who attempts to pull that little girls bathing suit off. (not as pedophilic or beastiophilic as it sounds…. and yes I made that last word up). Anyway, Bonnie used to get into loads of trouble by eating a lot of stuff which she wasn’t really supposed to. The list included loaves of bread, huge easter bunnies, coffee grinds, jars of lard, tampons, wallpaper, etc. You name it, that dog has ingested it. In her later years, she got pretty good at hiding the evidence of her gluttony, but when she was young you would always find shredded bits and pieces of wrapping. Well one time I stole a pack of gum from one of my brothers’ rooms… (which now looking back doesn’t seem like such a crime, but we are going back at least 17 years here, so I am sure some Mission Impossible style procedure was involved in obtaining this pack of gum). I ate the whole pack… or some of it… those fine details have been lost over the years, but then… so that I wouldn’t get in trouble, I shredded the pack of gum myself, and scattered it about my brother’s room, a la ‘Bonnie’ style, and left her to take the blame. She got in trouble for it as well. Poor thing.

Well that killed 10 minutes and now I am bored and not feeling to proud of myself either... great idea Paul... great idea.

2003-03-05T15:31:00.000Z

A friend of mine had a going away party on Monday evening. This happens often in London actually. There are a lot of people here on work visas of some type, most lasting two years. Once your time is up, you either try and get a company to sponsor you, you live and work illegally, or you go home… reluctantly. Sad to say that the first two options didn’t work out for my friend, so a reluctant return to oz it is. This was the twelfth going away party I have attended since I moved here, and wont be the last. Anyway, back to the going away party or dinner actually.
Foolishly, I was asked if I had ever had eaten Ethiopian food?… well needless to say the barrage of jokes which followed were not as politically correct as I would like to have remembered them being. Images of us sitting at a restaurant with a bag of grain from the Red Cross on the table and muddy water in our glasses were overriding any sense of decency I may have had. It took me about 15 minutes to get it all out of my system, before we could finally eat. My cheeks were hurting from laughing too much and my guilty conscience was now carrying even more of a burden then usual. The food was really good, and ironically enough, we had a tonne left over. If you have never had Ethiopian before, it is like Indian food, but rather then rice to compliment the main dishes, you get this bizarre spongy bread, shaped like a huge crepe. You rip a piece off and grab a bite of the meat or vegetable dishes with it and eat it. After it was all done and after I had let fly a couple more un-pc remarks, it was the end of the night and another friend gone.

Tuesday morning the Ethiopians attacked back in full force. I been to the toilet 3 times by 10am and dared not wander to far from any WC safe haven. By lunchtime I was hoping that my punishment for the previous nights thoughtless remarks had been paid in full, but it wasn’t until the afternoon when the Ethiopians relented. I learned a couple of lessons yesterday… what goes around definitely comes around... and don't make fun of starving children. Who knew?!

2003-03-03T16:45:00.000Z

Doesn’t it just figure that as soon as I decide I am going to start recording my life’s events on the internet, nothing exciting happens. I didn’t get mugged or drugged this weekend, didn’t have an accident of the vehicular or bowel movement kind, didn’t even stub a toe. I will make a concerted effort to put myself in harms way for the remainder of the week to give myself something to write about… I would throw myself in front of a car or truck, however due to the overwhelming success of Mayor Ken’s Congestion Charge, there are no more cars driving on the road.

2003-02-28T13:41:00.000Z

I watched National Lampoon’s European Vacation last night. By no means does this movie have the quality scenes of the first Vacation movie, but it does have its moments. I am sure I am not the only person to have noticed this, but the children in this version are abnormally ugly… obviously the producers could no longer afford the likes of up and coming Anthony Michael Hall, but you would think that in all of Hollywood there would be at least one or two inexpensive non-deformed child actors hanging about?! The daughter in this one looks like 40yr old chain-smoking disgruntled lesbian. I won’t even attempt to describe ‘Rusty’ but the words ‘elephant’ and ‘man’ do spring to mind. Maybe they were added for comedic purpose… well if that’s the case, mission accomplished.

2003-02-27T13:06:00.000Z

Hmmm, looks like my laziness in updating my blogspot has started already… I hope to not leave anyone hanging this long again…. SUSIE! Geesh.

Well I went to Manchester last weekend, had an amazing time, and laughed pretty much the whole time I was there. Went up with a friend of mine and two buddies who he met while on holidays in Gran Canaria. This weekend was a homo holiday of sorts I guess as the major destination was Canal Street (although the street signs had certain letters rubbed out to appropriately enough spell out ‘anal treet’) which is the main street where the boys come to play. It seems however, to have seen a little too much fun over the years, and is slowly being taken over by slutty girls in gogo boots and short short skirts with no pants on (I wish I was kidding). The stories from this trip are plentiful, but sadly would incriminate each of us who went, so the clean version follows. ;)

The four of us decided to meet up at the top of the Jubilee line where one of the boys had his ‘butch’ Land Rover waiting to take us the rest of the way to Manchester. Butch is in quotations as, personally, I think you cannot merely judge the butchness of a vehicle by its size, but also its contents… as its contents was 4 homeboys bouncing up and down to the latest Kylie CD, I think its butchness was definitely in question. Well we arrived safely and went out for a night on the town. One of the boys on the trip caught my fancy and yadda yadda yadda…. its now Sunday and we are sitting in a pub at 2pm in this gigantic mall called the Traford Centre just outside of Manchester. This mall was pretty amazing, not just size wise, but the inside had all these different themed sections, sort of like Disney World with all the American-Christian values replaced by American-Capitalist values. The section we were in was to look like a huge deck of a cruise ship, had a pool and deck chairs and this sky-like ceiling with twinkling stars and the whole lot. Pretty spectacular. Anyway, long story short, we are sitting in this pub for about 7 hours getting pretty goddamn drunk, especially since one of the boys we were with had won 50 quid in a slot machine and decided After Shock shots were a grand idea…. Sunday afternoon! At the pub a waiter managed, much to our pleasure, to drop a plate of food from the top of a set of wooden stairs, and have the plate bounce down the whole set, hitting each step on the way down. For about a minute the whole pub was silent, except for the plate which was making a hell of a lot of noise, all eyes on the poor waiter. Once the plate had finally come to rest, the whole pub just start laughing and cheering. Between that, and the constant talk of vibrators at our table, it was a hell of a good time. Oh, get this, the pub for some extremely bizarre reason had a late liquor license and was open till 12pm, even though it was in the middle of a mall which closed at 6pm. The logic of that one still mystifies me…. the fact that the pub was packed when we left at 9pm was even more confusing. Made it back to London for 1am, even with a slight detour towards North Wales. All in all, an excellent weekend.

2003-02-20T09:06:00.000Z

Thanks to Siobhan for loading on my Guestbook all the way from Canadia. The miracle of technology at work once again.

There was an albino Muslim sitting beside me on the tube today. Probably one of the most bizarre looking people I have ever seen. It wasn't that he had white white skin, matching eyebrows, eyelashes etc., or that he was wearing one of the most poorly wrapped turbans I have ever seen. He had these huge red red lips, not lipstick red, but veiny, blood red. You could almost see his circulatory system pulsating through them, for that matter, his whole face was practically translucent. Professor Gunter von Hagens could plastinate this guy as is, and add him as the main attraction to his Bodyworlds exhibit. Oh, and a white spindly Fu-Man-Chu beard completed the package! Time to fire the personal stylist.

2003-02-20T03:08:00.000Z

Guestbook

2003-02-18T13:36:00.000Z

Let me be the first to let you know the 'Special Limited Edition' Baked Bean Flavoured Walkers Crisps, supporting Comic Relief, are nothing but Ketchup Flavoured Crisps in a new bag. They may be tasty, but this is blatant fraudulent marketing.

On a side note, London's Congestion Charging started yesterday.... and so far it has been a resounding success. The streets are empty (almost eerily so), the tubes system is not nearly as chock-a-block as predicted, the buses have room to move, and the cyclists have air to breath.

2003-02-17T14:12:00.000Z

I emailed a letter of complaint today. I have been hooked to a website called News of the Weird (Note to self: learn how to put in a weblink) for some time now. It’s a weekly summation on all the weird going-ons all over the world… well, the US, Canada and UK mainly. Anyway, the last couple of times that I have used the site it seems they have adopted a new advertising policy. Every 30 seconds an ad pops up in a new window, right in the middle of your screen. EVERY 30 SECONDS! So I wrote a letter telling this guy, Chuck Shepherd, that he should adopt a different advertising scheme, that he sucks, and that he owes me as a loyal reader yadda yadda yadda… Anyways, I received a letter back about a minute later from Mr. Shepherd himself saying that he is going to drop the advertising from the whole website. Huh! Who knew?!

After summing up the events of today, I have been able to draw a clear and definite conclusion: There is a direct and positive relationship between complaining and happiness.

2003-02-14T13:32:00.000Z

Well, its Valentines Day... sigh. The day you hear the simultaneous cries of the lonely and the cheap... 'Nothing but a Hallmark Holiday....blah blah blah', or 'Everyday should be Valentines Day, why do I need to be nice to someone today... what about tomorrow?.... blah blah blah'. I happen to fit into both of those categories this year, but the 'Hallmark Holiday' thing doesnt sit right with me. To tell you the truth, I wouldnt mind getting a card today, even though I know that a tree had to be felled to make it, and even though there is a chance that 5 possibly 6 children somewhere in an asian sweat shop perished as the printing press which was making my card went awry, leaving bloody, heart shaped indentations on the dirty rags they were wearing. A card is a simple thing which can bring a lot of pleasure. It probably would be better to give a card on a day other then Valentine's Day... but the thing is, people dont, hence the need for this 'special day', reminding you to get off your lazy unspontaneous ass and do something nice for the person you are getting off with.

Deep breath in................ and the bitterness flows out....................... sigh.

2003-02-13T15:27:00.000Z

Well, here goes nothing. I had a website way back when.... 1996 I think it was, and I played with it for about a month, got terribly bored and gave up. It was high tech for the time, had a 'Visitor Counter' and everything.... I think that was what made me lose interest actually. I would visit my webpage every once in a while to see how many people had hit my site, most likely by accident i'm sure, but hey, a hit was a hit. Anyway, it didn't take me long to realise that the only person to ever visit my page, was myself of course, trying to see if someone else had been there. Needless to say, interest in posting my ideas, thoughts, and inner most feelings quickly went away. I thought all that time working on beautifying my site could be much better spent surfing for free internet porn.

Now, here I am about 6 years later, my interest in porn momentarily satisfied, and the need to express myself has reemerged. That's all I will say for now. Hopefully this site will be better then my previous one, mind you that visitor counter will be hard to beat.